Performance and Anxiety and My Reaction

So, as you may or may not know, I am doing a Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab. I was drawn to this Dream Lab because Brene Brown is leading it, and we all know that I have a researcher crush on her. 

Anyway, she does audios twice a week and most of them are amazing. And sometimes, they just knock me off my feet. Especially, one she did last week which I have been mulling around in my head since. It's about how we react to anxiety. 

She describes two kinds of people: Over-performers and Under-performers. 

The Over-Performers are the ones who take control. They make lists, are 15 minutes early to everything, and become super focused. 

You know where I'm going with this. 

The Under-Performers, they're the ones who freeze. They start losing the lists, they numb, they don't quite make it. 

Now, society values over-performers much more than under-performers, but both are not good place to be. Both afford us serious problems.

And, I have come to the realization that I am an under-performer. When I find myself in a high-stress, high-anxiety situation, I totally freeze up. Like, you know, with Comps. I find anything that I can do to not do what I need to do. I lose the lists I make and I clam up.I think about twitter posts, even though I don't have a twitter. And facebook. Hello procrastination.

It's a problem, but it's me. Maybe this comps studying will put me in a better place.

Probably not.

But cupcakes help.

Oreo Love

Credit

Husband: I love mini Oreos! 

Me: Why?

Husband: because a serving size is nine Oreos rather than four!

Surprise! Comps.

Credit

Yesterday I got a surprise. 

And not really one that I wanted. I figured out (found out) that I have to take comps on March 4th if I want my Masters to be able to be considered to teach next year.

Yikes. I mean, big yikes. The hyperventilating-panic inducing-chest pain-yikes.

See,  I knew comps were around the corner. But, I planned on taking them in June. However, when I went to check on dates, I saw that the June comps are during the time we will be in Texas for my brother-in-law's graduation. Exciting? Yes. A pain in my plans? Yes, too. 

For those who aren't sure, comps (at the Masters level) is a test which will determine if I can graduate or not. If I have enough knowledge to be eligible. I've decided to take three: The Counseling, The Cognition, and The Basic Statistics. 

But, I'm still hyperventilating, panicking, and all around freaked out. 

And while I'm doing this, I have people from my program and others who reached out and helped me calm down, told me I could do this, and offered their knowledge, kind words, and hugs. 

And that's when I'm reminded how amazing this program is, how wonderful the people who are here are, and how lucky I am. 

Being in a graduate program can be isolating. Not a lot of people really get what it takes to be here or how much work there is or how much a person can sacrifice to make it happen. 

And, there's not a lot of balance afforded. If I want to do things outside of this program, then I have to let go of some things in the program. If I want to do something inside of the program, I have to let go of some thing outside of it. Not to mention the faults which programs have. 

And this program isn't different. Balance feels unattainable, I put pressure on myself to be perfect, I don't have a lot of friends outside of the program, and it has its faults. 

But the support here? That's incredible. The fact that people step forward and say, "Breathe. I have this book, and this book, and this book. I'll help you find what you need." That's beautiful. 

And everyday, I try to count my blessings to be here.

Besides, now all of this:

will pay off.