Part of the job as a TA is to do exam reviews with students. These things are impossible. Each student gets about 30 minutes to go over their exam. Some reviews take 3 minutes, some take the whole 30, leaving me breathless, sad, and irritated.
Yesterday, I had to sit down with my calendar and plan when I would give these reviews. I have two classes, totaling about 70 students. About 50 will want to do reviews. In case you're not counting, that's about 25 hours of reviews -- remember, I only get paid for 13 hours of work a week. By the time I finish reviews on the first exam, they're taking the second and it's never ending. In there, I also have to continue my classes, seeing clients, research, and sanity.
Yesterday, I started down the Anxiety Shit Storm Spiral. It sounds like this:
what the hell do you think you're doing here? really, you don't have time or talent for this. you really aren't a counselor, and you're definitely not a teacher. you can't even keep up with emails. and scheduling? you suck at it. seriously. you can't even remember to pay all your bills on time. don't forget you still owe money to the school. and speaking of money, where does it go? why can't you budget and make money work. you got a massive tax refund and now a good chunk of that is gone. why aren't you more responsible? why aren't you more compassionate? why aren't you a better person? why do you think your husband wants to be with you? you have way to many issues to be normal; who would love you? why do you even bother?
and on and on and on.
This is my head. This is where I live. I am so critical of myself it makes me sick. And that brings out its own anxiety.
|necklace by sherie on etsy made just for me.|
I'm not necessarily in a better place today. I'm little bit more centered and little bit more trusting. Of myself. Of my relationships. Of my ability to do this. I'm reminding myself of kindness and peace and gratitude.
I'm playing this in my head:
I am real. I am true. I am ALIVE. and right now, I am taking a minute to remember that and to breathe.
If I could just get these damn gremlins out of my head...