An Engagment!

I don't know if you recall or not, but I have a Life List. You can take a gander at it here.

And on that Life List is "be asked to take photos of an event." I added this about 3 months ago as a sincere wish that someone would recognize my photography and perhaps give me a chance to photograph their event. 

This brings me to this past weekend. One of my friends recently became engaged, and she had asked me if I would be willing to shoot their engagements and possibly their wedding. 

Woah. 

First, it felt wonderful to feel recognized. I think at the core of everything, as humans we all want someone to see us. Really and truly see us and our passions and hopes and our dreams. And while photographing their love may not fulfill my hopes and dreams and passions, I defintely felt recognized. 

Yet, I struggled with it. My heart was saying, "yes, yes! you're wonderful and you are a good photographer. do it." But my brain, oh that rascal, was replying, "huh. you're a student. and not an art student at that. you can't do this. they won't turn out well, because you don't know what you're doing. Only real photographers can do that." And that last comment is the crux of it isn't it? Well, after debating, I finally told my brain to stop. Seriously, stop. If they don't like the engagements, then we will find another photographer. It's okay. 

So, last Sunday, I met with Mary and Shawn at the place where they were engaged and I had the honor to photograph snippets of their love. And I have never experienced something quite as great as that. 

Below are a couple of my favorites, but you can see all of them on my flickr page.

So doing this as brought up some pretty significant thoughts in my heart and my head. 

And I owe it to Mary, for recognizing me.

(I would love to hear your thoughts about the photos - you can comment here or on any of the images on flickr!)

Things to do on the journey

 

Be joyful. |  Be gentle. | Worry less. | Love.

 

Repeat.

 

Be joyful. |  Be gentle. | Worry less.

Repeat.

 

 

Be joyful. |  Be gentle. | Worry less. | LOVE.

 

And, repeat.

thoughts from my lovely,
inspiring,
and beautiful
friend.

what is your favorite memory?

perfect for someone like me who loves this stuff. i'm smiling ear to ear now.

some are predictable. some aren't. but they are all fantastic.

my favorite memory..... it's a tough but great question, because like the first guy says, all these wonderful ones come rolling through. but, mine center around friends and food, i'm sure of it. whether it was dinners during summer of 2008 with friends who came by, or parties thrown by my parents, or farewell summer parties. those are my favorites.

what is your favorite memory?

Hello, You

You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.

I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.

I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.

You should be happy. You are gorgeous.

I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?

You are alive.

Everything will be okay.

via

Running the World

I might be in love with this person:



She might be a bit much for you. And that's okay. But I think she speaks the truth in volumes.

And Beyoncé drives me nuts.

I play favorites

Remember how I have 5 cameras now?

Well, I definitely have a favorite.

Now, to be fair, there are two cameras out of the running. One I can't play with because we can't figure out why it won't turn on. And the other, my Diana, I haven't had 120 film to play with.

But that aside, my favorite camera is the Pentax.

I love it because:

  It is heavy.

    It has 3 lenses.

      It helps me to create amazing pictures.

        I get amazing compliments on it.

          It takes film.

            It makes me think about the pictures I'm taking.

I love this sucker. And tonight, I found this and this.

I can't wait to take this camera with me to Texas (next week!) and show you what I get from it. 

Now, I just need to buy a scanner....

Monday, Monday

Dearest Monday,

Thanks for having the word "mon" in you. That's French for "my," in case you weren't aware, Monday. It makes me think of you more as "my day," and frankly, that sounds like a much more promising start to the week. 

Love,

Nicole

via

Friend Makin' Mondays: Why Are You Awesome?

Hi blog! And friends! I know I've been absent, but that's okay. I'm back and today, I'm going to be a part of Friend Makin' Mondays. And I hope you will be too.

Question: What makes you awesome? List at least five qualities/hobbies/habits make you cool and unique? 

Hmm. What makes me awesome? 

Well, I think that I have a knack for decorating which I totally get from my mom. 

I'm the person who keeps in contact. I call friends weekly, unless life is just slipping from me. I write letters to people, and leave random notes to strangers all around. I have a group of friends from an academic thing back in 2007 who I still chat with on a regular basis. Which, leads me to...

I'm a lover and a carer. I mean that I love people. I love chatting and getting to know others. I love taking care of people. I just love. And if I love you, I love you for life. 

I am in awe of parties. Specifically, I love throwing parties. I adore hosting things. The planning, the decorating, the inviting. I like people making new friends, and I love the smell of food and the sound of laughter filling my home. It's one of my favorite things.

My mister and I keep a pretty constant stream of conversation happening through the day via text and gchat. Some think this is strange. I find it to be awesome... and perhaps a bit odd. 

If you, my friends, want to participate, post links to your answers at Kenz's blog too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts.

Happy Week

Happiness (this week) is...

Celebrating friends' amazingness, fabulousness, and awesomeness

New records with amazing music

Art night with The Mister

Outside lights brought inside making the apartment grow

 A night of shopping with a dear friend which resulted in new summer clothes

Signing up for Weight Watchers

Shiny boots

This video:

Ghost Whisperer on Netflix

Being done with statistics for the semester

annnnnnd....

The Good Wife back on Television

**********

What's making you happy this week, friends?

Messy Hospitality

Something which I struggle with is hospitality.

Not necessarily being hospitable. I have that pretty much down to the T.

But, rather thinking that my house has to be in perfect order with candles and smell good stuff and wine and dinner ready whenever someone wants to come by.

If you can't guess, this can be a bit stressful.

Tonight, though, I had a friend who I randomly texted and asked to come over for dinner and wine. I had four bottles of wine and wanted someone to drink them with. And the husband had to cook food anyway, so why not?

I assumed we'd have about 20 minutes, so I could quickly scramble around and get the house put back together since I totally didn't do that this afternoon.

However, about 5 minutes after we walked through the door (Sparkle Bus [the husband's bike] had a flat tire, so our ride was cut short) my dear friend called me and asked where exactly we lived because she was here.

Oh crap. Nothing was ready other than the shoes being stored.

As she walked in the door, I immediately started apologizing for the messiness. And then, something clicked. Yes, my house was messy, but it's messy because I freaking live here. I have a husband, and a cat, I'm working on my Ph.D., my husband works 50 hour weeks... we live here. So why should I apologize for an impromptu dinner?

So, I apologized one last time. And, we chatted, drank two bottles of wine, and ate a lovely dinner.

And the world didn't tumble and crash because my house was real. 

Because my house showed that two fantastic human beings live here with lives and love.

I'm by no means cured of this craziness. But, I do feel better with one non-world-crashing-messy-dinner under my belt.

Not Actually Dr. Pepper

This isn't actually about Dr. Pepper. Even the Diet kind. 

It is about the Spiritual Formation class I have been teaching for the last seven weeks. It's with a group of 7ish women of all ages and it has been amazing for me, and I hope for them as well.

Tonight, we were talking about The Sacramental Life. When I first thought about that chapter, I imagined things like communion, saying a rosary (though, I'm not Catholic) etc. But I was deeply surprised when we got into it.

It was actually more focused on Sabbath and the blurry lines between spirituality and secular-ness.

Where it got interesting was when the authors started discussing the Trinity -- you know, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Because, that's so simple to understand. Anyway, there were two takeaways from this:

In the person of Christ, God became human (incarnation). And by doing this, he affirmed all human activity -- from the religious sacraments to laughter and sorrow and more. Because God lived it (through Jesus) nothing is exempt or "unholy", everything received equal honor and thus is sacred. Our jobs, our sleep, our gardening, our cooking, our praying... everything is sacred.

The next part is the Spirit. You know, the Holy Spirit. The Spirit allows us to move past the material things and to become the hands and the voice and the mind and the arms of God. The Spirit lets us become the person God created us to be and then the world gets to experience God through us.

These ideas, while maybe not awesome in the true definition of awesome or whatever, are still eye-opening to me. I strongly believe in St. Francis' saying: "Always preach Christ; use words when necessary." This makes me think about my life in a more harmonious way -- rather than either faith or work, it become faith and work, all through the St. Francis lens. My job is a calling, even if I'm not in ministry as a pastor or what have you.

I don't know, something feels wonderful about this. I love it. I think it it really important for me on my spiritual journey. I feel like this is the key to something which I was missing.

Readers are Hot

I'm in love with this currently, and after spending the evening with a friend talking about books, I felt like I needed to share it: 

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

--Rosemary Urquico

Daily Gratitude

I have a group of women with whom I share daily gratitudes with. We met in the Dream Lab I took during January and February. They are smart, sassy, funny, and all around lovely. I feel really happy to be sharing the things in my life with them. Each line is like a glimpse into each other's life and that's just really cool. 

But, today, I also want to share my gratitudes with you. It's nothing deep, just things I'm deeply grateful for on a Monday in Nebraska. 

• For making it home safely after spending Sunday night 3 1/2 hours from Lincoln due to a freak snowstorm.
• Cancelling all my student appointments to nap with the husband before seeing clients.
• Napping with the husband in a chilly room while the sun streams in the bedroom window. 
• An ice cream sundae after clients made with lots of love from a friend at a local ice cream store. 
• Advance Reader Copies which the husband brings home from his job. I get to read books before they are published! 

These are things which I am grateful for today. How about you? 

Performance and Anxiety and My Reaction

So, as you may or may not know, I am doing a Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab. I was drawn to this Dream Lab because Brene Brown is leading it, and we all know that I have a researcher crush on her. 

Anyway, she does audios twice a week and most of them are amazing. And sometimes, they just knock me off my feet. Especially, one she did last week which I have been mulling around in my head since. It's about how we react to anxiety. 

She describes two kinds of people: Over-performers and Under-performers. 

The Over-Performers are the ones who take control. They make lists, are 15 minutes early to everything, and become super focused. 

You know where I'm going with this. 

The Under-Performers, they're the ones who freeze. They start losing the lists, they numb, they don't quite make it. 

Now, society values over-performers much more than under-performers, but both are not good place to be. Both afford us serious problems.

And, I have come to the realization that I am an under-performer. When I find myself in a high-stress, high-anxiety situation, I totally freeze up. Like, you know, with Comps. I find anything that I can do to not do what I need to do. I lose the lists I make and I clam up.I think about twitter posts, even though I don't have a twitter. And facebook. Hello procrastination.

It's a problem, but it's me. Maybe this comps studying will put me in a better place.

Probably not.

But cupcakes help.

The Anxiety Shit Storm Spiral

Part of the job as a TA is to do exam reviews with students. These things are impossible. Each student gets about 30 minutes to go over their exam. Some reviews take 3 minutes, some take the whole 30, leaving me breathless, sad, and irritated.

Yesterday, I had to sit down with my calendar and plan when I would give these reviews. I have two classes, totaling about 70 students. About 50 will want to do reviews. In case you're not counting, that's about 25 hours of reviews -- remember, I only get paid for 13 hours of work a week. By the time I finish reviews on the first exam, they're taking the second and it's never ending. In there, I also have to continue my classes, seeing clients, research, and sanity.

Yesterday, I started down the Anxiety Shit Storm Spiral. It sounds like this:

what the hell do you think you're doing here? really, you don't have time or talent for this. you really aren't a counselor, and you're definitely not a teacher. you can't even keep up with emails. and scheduling? you suck at it. seriously. you can't even remember to pay all your bills on time. don't forget you still owe money to the school. and speaking of money, where does it go? why can't you budget and make money work. you got a massive tax refund and now a good chunk of that is gone. why aren't you more responsible? why aren't you more compassionate? why aren't you a better person? why do you think your husband wants to be with you? you have way to many issues to be normal; who would love you? why do you even bother? 

and on and on and on. 

This is my head. This is where I live. I am so critical of myself it makes me sick. And that brings out its own anxiety. 

necklace by sherie on etsy made just for me.

I'm not necessarily in a better place today. I'm little bit more centered and little bit more trusting. Of myself. Of my relationships. Of my ability to do this. I'm reminding myself of kindness and peace and gratitude. 

I'm playing this in my head: 

I am real. I am true. I am ALIVE. and right now, I am taking a minute to remember that and to breathe.

If I could just get these damn gremlins out of my head...

Further Transformation

On Friday afternoon, the husband and I chowed down on some of my favorite Chinese food. It's not necessarily good or real Chinese food. It just comes in these boxes and that makes my heart unbelievably happy.  My heart probably smiles every time we have it delivered.

This, blog, however is not about the food which was delivered (and tasty as always). It's actually about what happens after one finishes a meal that consisted of sweet and sour chicken or general tso's chicken.

It's about the fortune cookies. More specifically about how spot-on fortune cookies always seem to be with me. Especially this one. What was my fortune? you may be wondering. Well, here it is:

Now, this fortune might now seem all that life shattering to anyone other than me. You see, there are words which get tossed around the blogs I read like: Wholeheartedness, Vulnerability, Authenticity. They're almost like catch phrases right now, except that they hold a weight behind them that is hard to describe.

Anyhow, I struggle with those words. And, I also struggle with making real connections with people. It has a lot to do with things that went down when I was younger and the way which I protect myself. But, recently, I've started becoming frustrated with that. I want the real relationships. I want the hurt that can come from them because only then can I get the love and connection. I also want to be real with myself.

This leads me to where I am this year. I want to be gentle with my soul. I want to listen and grow, embrace my imperfections and let go.

And, I'm starting this, which brings me back to my fortune. I am taking a photography class with a friend and we're learning all kinds of amazing things. And, I'm taking a Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab, which is all about community and happens to be with Brené Brown who, you know, studies this stuff for a living. The stars have aligned for me and I am feeling woah blessed right now. I'm also feeling safe and ready to explore.

Happy Monday my friends.

Back to School with a Resounding Thought

I stepped foot on campus again today. Well, I had class yesterday, but today I went into my building.

It's been a month since I was in my office.

And, as I was talking to our clinic assistant, faculty members, some classmates, and the secretary for my department, I had one resounding thought:

"I am so lucky"

It hit me as I was bouncing up the stairs from the clinic to my classroom. I had this huge smile on my face, I could just imagine what I looked like if I were to step in front of mirror. But I didn't care. I am so lucky because I love what I do. And, I see a lot of people and know a lot of people, who don't love what they do.

But me? I honest-to-God love it. I love my classes, even when they are terrible. I love my clients, and how they force me to think outside of the box and expand myself. I love my fellow students and the relationships that I have formed with them. I adore my professors. I may not adore them all the time, but I can appreciate how they force me to be a better clinician, researcher, and teacher. And the staff. Oh, but, I love the staff. They make my life unbelievably easy and have so much knowledge.

I am doing what I was made to do. I really am. I am in the exact program at the right time. I am going to get to do what I love for the rest of my life.

I have worked my ass off to get to this point and it has been totally worth it.

I really am lucky.

Being an 80's kid

I read an article today which made me pretty sad.

The article is about the things which babies born in 2011 won't know or care about.

Things like maps, pictures in frames, landlines, film, the written word - both books and letters, and watches. They won't understand the frustration and adrenaline that comes from arguing something which is mundane and no one can actually look up. And there won't be separation of home and work. They also won't ever actually hear dial up. Or, "You've Got Mail!"*

But, it makes me sad.  I love my giant US map that has stars by where the husband and I have traveled. I love the frames we have with photos of friends and family in them... and the photos which are tucked away in books and in the corner of mirror, tacked on my office wall and hung with magnets on the 'fridge.

I love books. We have 4 bookshelves full and I stock up at the library constantly. I love the way the smell, feel, and look. I like the way it feels when I crack open a brand new book and dive into a story. A Kindle or iPad will never give me that.

I just mailed out New Year's Cards and Christmas Thank you notes. I wrote a letter to a dear friend and tossed it in the mailbox on my way to dropping off the husband at work. In fact I have a goal (not a resolution, mind you) to write more handwritten notes to people. Love notes, if you will. In fact, if you would like one, click on that "love notes" tab and email me. I will gladly send you one.

I got a Diana for Christmas and just left the film at the developers to see what came of it all. I love that I have no fricken idea what I took or how they will turn out. There's mystery in that.

I adore my new Canon which leaves no mystery but takes amazing photos that I dump on my hard drive. And watches. Oooo watches. I own 6 that I rotate daily. I love them. I hate looking at my phone for the time; I kind of think it's rude, if I'm honest.

And the separation of home and work just breaks my heart. When we moved here for my program, I promised the husband that I wouldn't bring work home.  We've made some concessions, especially during finals, but I have kept that promise. It stemmed from people repeatedly telling me that ~70% of people who are married in graduate school end up divorced.

Why thank you for that cheeriness and now I'm going to ignore you.

Either way, keeping work at work and home at home has been beneficial for us because when I'm home, I'm home and paying attention to our life here. And when I'm working, I'm working and paying attention to that part of my life. I really feel for people who won't be able to, through choice or the type of job or whatever, separate their home and work.

Now, I won't knock technology, mind you. I miss landlines, but it's nice to only give out one number. And boy do I love flickr, and facebook, blogger, and reader. I do love technology, in a lot of ways.

However, I so hate to see stuff I adore become obsolete.

*Side note: My parents and I used to collect those AOL discs.

Babies!

I have baby fever right now, although it's quieted down a lot in the past few months.

It all started about a year ago.  I started inexplicably dreaming, thinking, and obsessing about babies. Oh, and pregnancy. Whenever I see a baby, I can't help but coo and wave and talk to him or her.  In church on Sunday, I had a mini conversation with a 4 year old. I often price baby items, like strollers, cribs (don't you love those 5-in-1's?) etc.  And don't forget thinking about names! So many: Aveline, Grace, Marie, Mia, Sophia, Fiona, Josh, Avery, Ezra, Hugh among others.

But you know what? We won't be having kids anytime soon.  Some reasons include: We have difficulty staying in the black on a monthly basis and diapers are expensive. We really enjoy not having kids -- going to the bar on a whim, watching loud tv, sleeping in late.  Oh and crying. Let's not forget crying. Husband says he doesn't want kids until her can walk through Target and not want to do what they're doing. That's legit.

The biggest reason for why I do want kids right now, though, is my parents.  My parents will make amazing grandparents.  Fantastic grandparents.  The kind that everyone hopes for.  But, I'm realizing more and more that my parents are older {not old, people, just older}.  Husband and I have been considering trying to get pregnant around 26/27.  That'll put my dad in his late fifties and my mom a few years above that.  And that's not old, and it's only a few years away.  I worry, though, about the amount of time they will get to spend with my kids. 

And more than that, the time my kids will get to spend with them.

And that is my only reason to try for kids now.  I don't think it's good enough, though, to overwrite all the reasons we do *not* need to have babies.  For now, I'll just play with other people's.

Dear Internets: Do any of you have baby fever?

Living our Values

 

I bought a book recently, called "Meditation for Therapists and Their Clients." It's a fantastic book, actually. So many wonderful things in there.

But I bought it at Voldemort.

Mm hmm. If you hover over that link, you'll see where I had to go to purchase this book.  I have not shopped there in over 2 years.  Since moving to Lincoln, I basically shop for books only at Indigo; if they don't have the book I'm looking for, well, they can just order it for me.  So, why didn't I do that? Well, I needed the book on Saturday and Indigo does not carry it. 

I felt dirty shopping at Voldemort, by the way.  I looked on their website at first and it just felt wrong. So, so wrong.

But, I had too. I couldn't wait for this book and the local stores didn't have it.  It's like shopping at Target for shoes -- I don't really want to {ahem, shop there, I do want the shoes}, but there isn't anywhere local to shop.  And if I do find somewhere local, or somewhere that does awesome things {Toms!}, I can't afford it.

And that's where my values and my wallet collide.  Or my values and my body collide. 

Most often, I can do it.  I can spend the extra money to shop at a local grocery over Wal Mart, because it's just better.  But sometimes, I can't.  I sometimes I have to go to Wal Mart for razors because razors at our grocery are $35 but the same at Wal Mart are $18. Or, I have to go to Voldemort because my favorite bookstore doesn't have the room nor the income to store books that don't move very fast.  Or, I want to ride my bike everywhere, I do.  But it's cold, and it hurts, and I'm normally running behind so let's get in the car and go! And it sucks. Straight up, but I don't know what to do about it.

How do you live out your values?