Performance and Anxiety and My Reaction

So, as you may or may not know, I am doing a Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab. I was drawn to this Dream Lab because Brene Brown is leading it, and we all know that I have a researcher crush on her. 

Anyway, she does audios twice a week and most of them are amazing. And sometimes, they just knock me off my feet. Especially, one she did last week which I have been mulling around in my head since. It's about how we react to anxiety. 

She describes two kinds of people: Over-performers and Under-performers. 

The Over-Performers are the ones who take control. They make lists, are 15 minutes early to everything, and become super focused. 

You know where I'm going with this. 

The Under-Performers, they're the ones who freeze. They start losing the lists, they numb, they don't quite make it. 

Now, society values over-performers much more than under-performers, but both are not good place to be. Both afford us serious problems.

And, I have come to the realization that I am an under-performer. When I find myself in a high-stress, high-anxiety situation, I totally freeze up. Like, you know, with Comps. I find anything that I can do to not do what I need to do. I lose the lists I make and I clam up.I think about twitter posts, even though I don't have a twitter. And facebook. Hello procrastination.

It's a problem, but it's me. Maybe this comps studying will put me in a better place.

Probably not.

But cupcakes help.

Surprise! Comps.

Credit

Yesterday I got a surprise. 

And not really one that I wanted. I figured out (found out) that I have to take comps on March 4th if I want my Masters to be able to be considered to teach next year.

Yikes. I mean, big yikes. The hyperventilating-panic inducing-chest pain-yikes.

See,  I knew comps were around the corner. But, I planned on taking them in June. However, when I went to check on dates, I saw that the June comps are during the time we will be in Texas for my brother-in-law's graduation. Exciting? Yes. A pain in my plans? Yes, too. 

For those who aren't sure, comps (at the Masters level) is a test which will determine if I can graduate or not. If I have enough knowledge to be eligible. I've decided to take three: The Counseling, The Cognition, and The Basic Statistics. 

But, I'm still hyperventilating, panicking, and all around freaked out. 

And while I'm doing this, I have people from my program and others who reached out and helped me calm down, told me I could do this, and offered their knowledge, kind words, and hugs. 

And that's when I'm reminded how amazing this program is, how wonderful the people who are here are, and how lucky I am. 

Being in a graduate program can be isolating. Not a lot of people really get what it takes to be here or how much work there is or how much a person can sacrifice to make it happen. 

And, there's not a lot of balance afforded. If I want to do things outside of this program, then I have to let go of some things in the program. If I want to do something inside of the program, I have to let go of some thing outside of it. Not to mention the faults which programs have. 

And this program isn't different. Balance feels unattainable, I put pressure on myself to be perfect, I don't have a lot of friends outside of the program, and it has its faults. 

But the support here? That's incredible. The fact that people step forward and say, "Breathe. I have this book, and this book, and this book. I'll help you find what you need." That's beautiful. 

And everyday, I try to count my blessings to be here.

Besides, now all of this:

will pay off. 

Exhausted

The cursor is blinking at me as I try to figure out what to write.

I'm tired. I'm stretched too thin.  I did too much, volunteered for too much, and there's so much more I want to do.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in I don't know how long.  Apartment is too cold.  One of our pets died. There's so much going on.

Tonight, we're hosting Belated Thanksgiving at our apartment.  It's not cleaned. It's not dirty, but since the husband and I are "setter downers" (according to him), it's cluttered with papers. We're not unpacked.

I have a meeting at 2:30 and another at 6:30.  The dinner begins at 7. 

I have homework to do. Lots of it because I fell behind.  I have two tests to prepare for.  I have two papers to write, and 5 chapters to read, mostly buy tomorrow.

I'm stretched too thin and that makes it hard to write, even though it's what I love doing.

For now, I'll do as Dori does and just keep going, hoping for a respite soon.

Disappearing Act

Have you ever thought of just disappearing?

The kind of disappearing where you start a new life -- probably not the grandest life, but something away from your troubles and somewhere that you want to be? Perhaps Mexico, making tequila, or Italy creating wine (I do like to drink).

Baby Weight

Haha. I hope I just gave all 5 of my readers a little heart attack.

I've made the decision to lose 30-50 lbs before getting pregnant/adopting/fostering. The idea just kind of hit me last night. I want kids (phew, that's out there) and I want to be the healthiest I can be (without getting insane about it, which has been known to happen) before having babies. To me, it just seems it would be easier to maintain while raising kids then to start. So, that's been decided.

I have a bit to do it too. See, I've done research about academics and having kids etc. and it's basically agreed that if a woman would like to have kids, the best time to do it is while she's dissertating.

Which makes total since.

When I'm working on my dissertation, I get to make my own hours and I don't have classes. Or at least not 10 hours of demanding classes. So, that's 4 years away, minimum. Thus, I have time.

And, just so we're clear, as of 9/17/2010 I am NOT pregnant. :D

Freaking Time

I really just don't know where it goes to. I swear school just started and now we're a month in. Seriously, this is bizarre. Am I the only person who suffers from this?

Anyhow, I like blogging.

No really, I do! There are just a couple of excuses I have: 1) I work all day, and refuse to bring my lap top home with me. 2) I'm tired. 3) And often feel like I have nothing cool to share.

So, now that the excuses are out there, I really am going to try a bit more. Even if it's a 3 second though that's typed up and put on here. Lord knows I have plenty of those during the day.

This weekend

Husband and I lounged around. I was supposed to go through some boxes, clean a bit, and prepare for my folks coming in over Labor Day.

But, I didn't. I sat on the couch and read pieces of my multiple books. Drank some delicious wine. At some tasty homemade pizza rollers.

It's been super quiet which is to prepare me for the coming year.

School's Starting

.
..
...
....

I'm excited, yes. But I'm also tired. I don't feel like there was really a break for me at all.

Which is accurate. I worked 40 hour weeks, took classes, and hosted many, many visitors.

So now it's the end of the summer and it's time to get rockin' again. We bought my school supplies on Wednesday (I find I'm much less needy in that department now... wonder why?). New legal pads, sharpie pens* and a fantastic orange pen. I wanted a 3 hole punch, but dang those are expensive.

It also means that it's time for meetings and trainings. Lots of 'em. I'm meeting with my boss tomorrow to talk about my assistantship (more on that later).

So... that's what I'm doing. It's not interesting, but it *is* my life.

Hugs!

Saturday

wake up.

mmm maybe not.

try again.

fine.

9:00 am.

bathroom. brush teeth. check hair (shower? yes? no? no.)

lie back down.

read book. i mean whole book. yay!

shake husband. then sweetly kiss.

get up, get dressed. 10:00 am.

lie back down. poke husband. kiss cheek.

fine. i'm up. trudge to living room. wait for husband. 11:00 am.

farmer's market. husband's work. coffee. check facebook. read more.

6:00 pm.

husband off work. yay!

home. dinner? hmmmm.

tv. dinner. drinks. friends. laugh. dance. sing. joy.

1:00 am. bed.

My Expertise

I have been married a bit over 7 months now, thus I am an expert on marriage.

I'm an expert on shutting up (but I'm not an expert on when to do it)
I'm an expert on playing nice (sometimes)
I'm an expert on not doing dishes
I'm an expert on trying not to gag when I try to clean the toilet
I'm an expert on smiling when I think I might just destroy every living thing in my apartment (building on occasion)
I'm an expert on tickling my husband until we fall asleep
I'm an expert at stealing the remote effectively controlling the DVR and volume
... and so many other things.

Then

Here we go again.

I used to blog about my wedding. Then I stopped. We got married and I didn't know what to do next.

Then it was time for finals, of the fall variety. Then it was time for for the next semester. Then we moved. Then I started summer classes. Then I was working 40/80 hour weeks. Then I couldn't find a blog name I liked. Then we were broke. Then we had money. Then, then, then... I then decided there never would be a good time to blog so screw it. Here we are.

I don't have a vision for this blog at all. It's just going to be my thoughts and such. I suppose we'll just figure it out as we go.