Life Lessons from a Toothbrush

So, I was going to share with you the new awesome nickname which I have dubbed the husband, so I could stop referring to him as "the husband." But I'm waiting on that because of a dentist visit this morning.

I grew up going to the same dentist from the age of 3 to the age of 21. I went every six months to have my teeth cleaned and checked. And filled in (damn those cavities).Then I moved to Nebraska and was insurance-less. So, no dentist for Miss. Nicole. During Spring Break though, this awesome email landed in my inbox. It said something to the effect of:

"DID YOU KNOW YOU GET TWO FREE CLEANINGS A YEAR?! COME AND GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED!! YAY TEETH!" 

Credit

I was sold, because I'm that weird kid who *loved* going to the dentist and promptly made my appointment.

I happily talked about my teeth and had x-rays taken. I forgot about my nose stud so there's this awesome weird looking line on my big x-ray now, which is superfluous information (I just wanted to use that word).  And then my dental hygienist (I have so much respect for these people) stuck her hand in my mouth and started cleaning and poking my gums.

Verdict was that I have some slight gingivitis which can happily be cured by regular cleanings (yay!) and more flossing (always).  There's some "decay" (ahem, I blame chocolate) that the dentist believed is just stable and will be watched. I just need to use a special toothpaste. Further, I currently have all of my wisdom teeth and it's recommended that they be removed.

But, the last thing, which was odd, is that I have been diagnosed as an aggressive teeth-brusher. This means that I have literally brushed the gums off of some of my teeth which has left the root exposed. The cure? Be more gentle with my teeth. The gum won't grow back, but I can contain some of the damage.

Now, this was slightly ironic for me. The word which I chose for me this year is gentle.

I haven't really talked about this here, but I picked gentle because I wanted to remind myself that I'm slowly growing. And gentleness is key with me.

I have to be gentle with my thoughts, my actions, the way I speak, the way I move, just the way I am. I have to be kind and tender with myself. I have to be good with good enough and perfectly okay. Or, I'm going to get nowhere.

So, it was amusing, and frustrating, to hear that not only had I been to abrasive and aggressive with myself in my life, I have even been abrasive and aggressive with my teeth. But, it's okay. I can take care of that, by being gentle.

Clearly, gentle is a good word for me. And probably a good word for all of us.


P.S: That necklace up there, that's made by SoShe on Etsy. And you should go buy it. Right now.

The Anxiety Shit Storm Spiral

Part of the job as a TA is to do exam reviews with students. These things are impossible. Each student gets about 30 minutes to go over their exam. Some reviews take 3 minutes, some take the whole 30, leaving me breathless, sad, and irritated.

Yesterday, I had to sit down with my calendar and plan when I would give these reviews. I have two classes, totaling about 70 students. About 50 will want to do reviews. In case you're not counting, that's about 25 hours of reviews -- remember, I only get paid for 13 hours of work a week. By the time I finish reviews on the first exam, they're taking the second and it's never ending. In there, I also have to continue my classes, seeing clients, research, and sanity.

Yesterday, I started down the Anxiety Shit Storm Spiral. It sounds like this:

what the hell do you think you're doing here? really, you don't have time or talent for this. you really aren't a counselor, and you're definitely not a teacher. you can't even keep up with emails. and scheduling? you suck at it. seriously. you can't even remember to pay all your bills on time. don't forget you still owe money to the school. and speaking of money, where does it go? why can't you budget and make money work. you got a massive tax refund and now a good chunk of that is gone. why aren't you more responsible? why aren't you more compassionate? why aren't you a better person? why do you think your husband wants to be with you? you have way to many issues to be normal; who would love you? why do you even bother? 

and on and on and on. 

This is my head. This is where I live. I am so critical of myself it makes me sick. And that brings out its own anxiety. 

necklace by sherie on etsy made just for me.

I'm not necessarily in a better place today. I'm little bit more centered and little bit more trusting. Of myself. Of my relationships. Of my ability to do this. I'm reminding myself of kindness and peace and gratitude. 

I'm playing this in my head: 

I am real. I am true. I am ALIVE. and right now, I am taking a minute to remember that and to breathe.

If I could just get these damn gremlins out of my head...

Further Transformation

On Friday afternoon, the husband and I chowed down on some of my favorite Chinese food. It's not necessarily good or real Chinese food. It just comes in these boxes and that makes my heart unbelievably happy.  My heart probably smiles every time we have it delivered.

This, blog, however is not about the food which was delivered (and tasty as always). It's actually about what happens after one finishes a meal that consisted of sweet and sour chicken or general tso's chicken.

It's about the fortune cookies. More specifically about how spot-on fortune cookies always seem to be with me. Especially this one. What was my fortune? you may be wondering. Well, here it is:

Now, this fortune might now seem all that life shattering to anyone other than me. You see, there are words which get tossed around the blogs I read like: Wholeheartedness, Vulnerability, Authenticity. They're almost like catch phrases right now, except that they hold a weight behind them that is hard to describe.

Anyhow, I struggle with those words. And, I also struggle with making real connections with people. It has a lot to do with things that went down when I was younger and the way which I protect myself. But, recently, I've started becoming frustrated with that. I want the real relationships. I want the hurt that can come from them because only then can I get the love and connection. I also want to be real with myself.

This leads me to where I am this year. I want to be gentle with my soul. I want to listen and grow, embrace my imperfections and let go.

And, I'm starting this, which brings me back to my fortune. I am taking a photography class with a friend and we're learning all kinds of amazing things. And, I'm taking a Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab, which is all about community and happens to be with Brené Brown who, you know, studies this stuff for a living. The stars have aligned for me and I am feeling woah blessed right now. I'm also feeling safe and ready to explore.

Happy Monday my friends.

Exhausted

The cursor is blinking at me as I try to figure out what to write.

I'm tired. I'm stretched too thin.  I did too much, volunteered for too much, and there's so much more I want to do.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in I don't know how long.  Apartment is too cold.  One of our pets died. There's so much going on.

Tonight, we're hosting Belated Thanksgiving at our apartment.  It's not cleaned. It's not dirty, but since the husband and I are "setter downers" (according to him), it's cluttered with papers. We're not unpacked.

I have a meeting at 2:30 and another at 6:30.  The dinner begins at 7. 

I have homework to do. Lots of it because I fell behind.  I have two tests to prepare for.  I have two papers to write, and 5 chapters to read, mostly buy tomorrow.

I'm stretched too thin and that makes it hard to write, even though it's what I love doing.

For now, I'll do as Dori does and just keep going, hoping for a respite soon.

perfect protest

there's this researcher at University of Houston. she studies authenticity, vulnerability, shame, and courage. she's publishing a book about not being perfect.

first, how cool is that research?

second, wow.

Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and imperfect.

Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

It's that simple.
--Brené Brown

talk about ringing true. i know that's something which i struggle (and pay for) everyday. and nothing really could be further from the truth, honestly.

i'm not perfect.

i'm in the midst of figuring out why i use it as a shield, but i know we all do. what's your knee jerk reaction to "how's it going?" we've been socialized to put up this front that we're all okay. i struggle, because i know that's good. there are times when i need to be okay (e.g., seeing clients, giving a presentation).

but what's tripped me up is that i don't take off that perfection shield when i get home, or when i'm with friends. and when i know i'm not okay.

so, in protest of this, i made a sign. i'm joining in against battle of perfectionism.

i encourage you to head over to her site. take a look at all the amazing photographs of people who are battling with imperfection. wanna join?

Prove it.

inspiration and challenge all in one.

how do you prove it?

You Are Beautiful

No really. You are. You really, really are.



I mean it.

And my challenge, this week, is to stand in the mirror every morning and tell myself that I was made in God's perfect image and likeness and that He made me beautiful.

Do you have any challenges for yourself?

Self-Care

I get a challenge weekly from different people. They don't actually know that they've given me a challenge -- for example my best friend doesn't call me and say, Nicole! This is what you have to do this week! -- but I get them anyway. Typically it's a great conversation which I make into something more, counselor style.

So, this week's challenge for me is to find ways I take care of myself.

I have a problem. And this problem is that I take care of everyone, EVERYONE, but me. Oops. So when I was talking with a friend about how t.i.r.e.d. I am, she asked me, "well, what do you do to rejuvenate yourself?" Um... [insert crickets]

Thus, my challenge this week is to figure out what I do to replenish my spirits (how many different synonyms can I use..?)

Here's the start of that list:
-swimming
-singing loudly and probably badly
-reading
-eating food

What do y'all do?