Take Your Time

It's funny to me how something that I meant to be a short hiatus turned into a break for three months.

I joked at one point that it's interesting how during the school year I can hardly do anything but blog, play on facebook, and hone my Pandora stations, yet during the summer, I hardly keep up with anything but the sun and books.

I typically beat myself up for this, but meh. There's nothing good which come from that.

So, friends who are still paying attention, hello again! It is a pleasure to be back and starting an adventure again.

Wishing you lots of love

Joyed

It's good to be home! 

My Mister and I spent Wednesday through Sunday in Texas celebrating his youngest brother's high school graduation. I met that kid 5 years ago -- he was 12 or 13. Geez. 

And I have a lot to tell you about this week! 

We have many, many garden updates. I have photos from The Mother Land (ahem, Texas). I have a clean home, my ankle is on the mend, and even if I was ticked off that there was cat litter in the bed last night (gross), I am a happy girl.

So, friends, I will see you back here this week and we'll chat about life, gardens, and the bachlorette.

Hello, You

You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.

I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.

I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.

You should be happy. You are gorgeous.

I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?

You are alive.

Everything will be okay.

via

Little Orphan Annie

The husband came home and found me sitting on the couch watching the 1999 version of Annie.

I was enthralled. I loved Annie growing up, though I always watched the 1982 version (clearly).

It's moments like these, when something classic comes on television that I get really excited. I was singing the songs with the characters, because who doesn't? I grew up with this show -- it was the first musical I ever saw and even though there was a very large and tall person sitting in front of me, I could still sing the songs and know what was happening. Because Annie was my childhood.

So, today, when the husband came home and said that he has never seen Annie before I felt a little bit sad. And he started wikipedia-ing it. Apparently, the movies were the last things to happen.

You first had the poem Little Orphant Annie

And then, we had the comics

And then the radio show

Then the musical in 1977

And finally the movies.

I love that this has been around so long.

Care Packages

I love getting mail. I really, truly do. I mean the mail that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, not the type that says you need pay up or coupons that just make you spend more money to "save" money.

Yesterday I made it back to school and I even saw a client. It was a yucky day -- ice everywhere and cold with the wind, but I made it. Mondays are long too. I get to campus at 9am and don't leave until about 9pm. I also didn't realize how "on" I am during the day with people. Needless to say, I was exhausted last night, mentally and physically. Emotionally too.

Then, I checked the mail. And, I had a package in it from Lindsey, a dear friend from home.

And in this package was a quadruple chick-flick feature dvd, kleenex, goldfish, soup, cough drops, chapstick and lovely card.

It was amazing and brightened my day.

So thank you, Lindsey for the incredible gift.

P.S. If anyone wants a love note, just let me know. I'm really loving writing them.

Etsy Love

Dear Etsy:

I don't do a whole lot of shopping online, honestly. I do some on amazon, mainly for textbooks and birthday gifts for friends far away. I'll occasionally look at ebay when I'm feeling super bored. And, I'll compare prices for things like cameras and film online. But other than that, I don't really like online shopping.

Except for you.

You came to my aid during the wedding planning. I bought a lot of things from different vendors during that time and I was hooked. There is so much pretty. Granted, I don't buy a lot, but I do love searching. It's like my form of Porn for Women.

Stationary
Cards
Wall Prints
Vinyls
Bags
Shoes
Ceramics
Decorations
Ties
...oh my.

You're like a giant indie movie set where I can actually purchase the beautiful things I see. It's like walking into an antique junk store without the smell.

And the vendors are all so lovely. I've yet to have a bad experience with someone, and I've done a lot of messaging with people.

Really, Etsy, I'm smitten. I have been since I first found you two years ago. Thank you for being my healthier version of chocolate and taking Visa.

Love,
Colie

A Love Note to 2010

Dear 2010,

What a beautiful, intense, crazy, lovely, difficult, trying, sad, joyful, vulnerable year you were for me.

We started out the year with the husband working a god awful job at god awful hours and becoming incredibly depressed. We also started it out having to use food stamps, which, if you've never been through the process is humiliating, trying, and sad. I had finally found a job which I didn't love but gave us $180 a week which at that point was necessary.

We ended the year with the husband working at a job he loves, even if it is trying at times. With me having an assistantship, and us no longer needing food stamps. And us both healthy, mentally and physically.

In between, the husband and I fought, cried, loved, laughed and were unbelievably stressed out. We saw an amazing amount of snow and all four seasons. My car got hail damage, we moved to a new apartment, we danced to records on hardwood floors.

We started cooking at home a lot more and eating at tastier, nicer restaurants when we went out. Don't worry, I still love fast food. We were also a lot more concerned with doing things locally and supporting indie. We spent a lot of time at the local bars drinking and laughing. We made new friends and threw parties. We danced and loved more.

I grew more open and more vulnerable to life. I worked on some incredibly hard things with my therapist and had some incredibly deep wound-salving conversations with my mom. Speaking of, I called home more often and kept up with "date" nights with friends back home. I took care of myself more and listened to my body. And, I can't tell you how soothing meditating has been.

We had visitors, and each of them brought something wonderful to our life. I love opening the door to visitors. I love serving people and having them in my home. With each visitor we had genuine fun, some of the first we'd had in a long time. We became tourists in our town and we appreciated it so much more.

We decorated and redecorated. We decluttered and cluttered and decluttered again. We repurposed things we owned, sold things we didn't want and bought a new-to-us fold out couch. I found a love for decorating and a love of vintage/antique/junk. I planned a garden and the husband let me bounce ideas off him. We paid off credit cards to fill them up again to pay them off and destroy them. We traveled to Colorado, Illinois (Chicago) and Indiana.

And we danced, and laughed, and loved.

2010, you were a hard, vulnerable, at times painful, stressful and sad year. But you were also a joyful, laughing, dancing, spirited and amazing year. You were my first year as a dyed in the wool adult. You watched me create a baby family and you helped me to appreciate the husband more. You watched me become more spiritual, less spiritual and then bounce back again. You witnessed my questioning, crying, loving, laughing, and everything in between.

2010, you were a good year, and I don't think I would trade you for anything.

Love,
Nicole

#reverb10 -- Day 21

Today's #reverb10 is kind of a cool one.

They asked us to write about where we see ourselves in 5 years from today.  However, I answer that question on a nearly daily basis (hazards of being in graduate school).  The flip side to that question was write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.  Most bloggers (well, the ones I read) are in their late twenties and early thirties. However, I am not. Ten years ago, I was 13 and I was headed out of and toward some pretty traumatic stuff, so I decided to write that letter. 

Dear 13 year old me:

Did you know that you're beautiful? You really truly are and you will appreciate your beauty more once you turn 23 and look back at all those photos that you hate having taken. You have a lot going on for you right now.  You're at the end of the middle of your 7th grade year and you are totally lost and hurting and confused and scared.  I know, I remember. And you're not taking care of yourself.  You've also made some fairly shady friends in that big world of yours and that's going to bite you in the butt. But, for now, they're loving you and celebrating you and making you feel wonderful, and I'm glad you feel that way.  You don't get to feel that way often enough.

But, darling, I wish you would tell your truth.  That's what is eating you alive and what is making life really hard for you. I know it's scary but I think it might help you.  I understand why you don't, I know that the thought of what has happened is just too much to bear and lying about everything makes things feel better.  And it will, for a little while.  It's how you're coping right now, and that's okay.  Life is tough and sometimes it gets better and sometimes it doesn't.  But, I want you to know you are love.  You don't love yourself and there are only a handful of people who you think love you, but I promise you there are more. More and more than you will ever know.  Did you know that you have even inspired some people? Yes, you. There's even someone who looks up to you, but you won't know that until later.  That's how amazing you are. Even when you're lost and terrified, there are people who look up to you and people who you inspire.  Isn't that special? Aren't you special?

I know, now, that our truth won't be told for about 12 years. That's a long time and those secrets hurt us a lot.  But, love, when you do decide to tell, you tell an amazing woman.  A woman who won't judge you for anything that happened. A woman who tells you to love yourself and forgive yourself, because none of it was your fault. Did you hear that? None of it was our fault.  And none of it is worth the pain that you put yourself through. It truly isn't.

I also want you to know what amazing intuition you have.  You feel it in the bottom of your belly.  It kind of feels like when you're thinking about crying (and you should cry, way more often) and you get those tingles in your spine and in your belly? That's your intuition.  And it's almost always spot on.  Listen to it, because it would help you get out of some jams you find yourself in. 

Also, you're an amazing judge of character.  You really are. You can meet a person and decide who they are and you're almost always right.  Listen to that.  There's only one person you've ever been wrong with, but you ended up marrying him so that's okay. And he's amazing, by the way. He'll help you love yourself, so trust him when he comes along.

You're also searching for god. You're looking for him because you ache and you wonder if he could even be real. Let me tell you that your questioning is core to who you are. As of now, you haven't given up on God, but that search that you have just started, that search makes your faith deeper and stronger and more beautiful.  You're open to so many new ideas and ways to see things, and that helps you make some amazing connections, because, I know that you're striving for connection to somebody. A connection that will shake you to your core and you are looking in all the wrong places.  That connection comes for you, love, listen for it.

More than anything, my dear 13 Year Old Self, I want you to take time for you. I want you to let your mom take pictures of you when you're happy and when you're sad.  I want you to know that life gets better.  I want you to know that you do end up in Ph.D. school (and it's amazing), and you do make some amazing friends who will honestly support you, love you, and celebrate you.  I want you to know how glad I am to be on the other side of all that pain and to know that you will get there to. Life is worth living, and you genuinely make this world a better place because you're here.

Love,
Your 23 Year Old Self.

patience on this journey

dear heart:

you're lovely, did you know that? 

you and me, we're at a really beautiful place right now.  we're at this place where we happen to be listening to eachother. well, perhaps i'm just listening to you, finally. 

i'm hearing that i've neglected you in a lot of ways. i haven't always paid attention, and i haven't always listened to the little messages which you've sent me. 

and now? and now i am. i hope it's not too late. i'm slowly learning that you have a lot of really good things to say about me, about my values, about my faith, about my work.

but i hope that you'll be patient with me, because i'm experiencing growing pains.  do you know how hard it is to be vulnerable with people and to show those not so perfect and pretty sides?  it is. it's especially hard when i've protected you and myself for so long. 

and, as we're 10 days from christmas, with all the lights shining, and the darkness enveloping, i know that i'm ready. 

and i know that i couldn't ask for a better companion on this journey. 

with all my love

Fall Finals

Hello internets!

I am in the middle of finals, so this is a love note saying that I will not be blogging until I have this semester nicely wrapped up and with a bow on top.

I'm shooting for Monday.

Wish me luck, and know that when I come back there will be all kinds of awesomeness to discuss. For example my birthday, and my birthday party (with hats!), holiday decoration, and cinnamon roll making.

Be patient and send me good vibes,
Love,
Nicole